Still sad

This is a much more taxing journey than I ever expected; trying to have a baby. I went into this adventure thinking it would be easy, when Preston and I wanted a baby, we would be able to have one. After all, thousands of people whom don't even want/ think about having a baby get one. By the grace of fate/ karma whatever, I thought that I should be able to have a baby. Maybe that was my mistake.

So, after a year of trying on our own and my almost breaking into tears the moment I realized that I was not pregnant that month I went to see and OBGYN. After testing he was confident that I was not ovulating. Needless to say that I didn't even know that not ovulating was an option. I mean in all of the science classes I have taken; when talking about the hormones involved and what occurs during the cycle, not ovulation completely wasn't really mentioned.

Luckily, the first option for me is clomid. It is a handy little pill taken at the first couple of days of the cycle which stimulates ovulation. I was excited again, now I feel as though I am doing something, that my ultimate goal of actually having a baby can be accomplished. I took the pill as instructed; then came the time for the progesterone test. This was the test to see if the pill can actually work for me or not. My previous progesterone test results came back less than 1ng/uL. A normal level for ovulation for this hormone is 9ng/uL, the result after the first month of clomid was 17.2 ng/uL. Now, this means that I actually did ovulate!! And hey, go science. Look at the numbers the lowest dose and in only one month I went from less that one to 17!!

I was getting my hopes up again, something that I learned not to do after 12 months of crying, if you don't get your hopes up..you don't cry as much. I started feeling nauseous and getting really tired. All not fun, but good signs of pregnancy.........hopes got higher.

Fate of course wants me to suffer, it is clear now. Once I let my gaurd down and my hopes up I start my cycle. Only a couple of days away from when I was excited to finally be able to take a pregnancy test. So why do I still feel like a failure? We know that this prescription works for me, for what we want. I know in my head that the chances of getting pregnant in general is low. I guess it just feels like starting at square one. Nothing can really up my chances of actually getting pregnant, I am just ovulating now (which i know ups my chances greatly, but still feels like square one).

This is very hard emotionally, the pure excitement of thinking finally a real chance of becoming pregnant, and nothing changes, again....this month I am not pregnant. It is kinda disheartening.

Nothing else to do but keep trying.